The adventures of Luke Skywalker in jedi-land
by natalie1
Summary: A tale of Luke's fumbling attempts to find a decent love life...


  
THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE SKYWALKER IN JEDI LAND  
BY NATALIE  
  
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...   
  
Jacen was wandering through the Jedi Academy. Something was on his mind so he decided to ask his uncle about it. Just ahead of him, a man in a brown cloak was watching a vid.   
  
"Hey Uncle!"   
  
Luke turned around to the teenager in front of him. "Shh. I'm watching my favourite show."   
  
"Xena Warrior Princess? Didn't you meet her?"   
  
"Yeah, and she kicked my ass. I'm trying to learn some of her moves. I've even perfected her yell!", Luke exclaimed.   
  
"Really! Show me!"   
  
Luke cleared his throat. "AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!" he yelled.   
  
Jacen was amazed. "Gee Uncle, how can you do that so well? You sound just like her!"   
  
"She cut off my balls with her chakram and ever since then I've been able to hit the high notes."   
Jacen was suddenly downcast. "Well Uncle, seeing as you don't have any balls, you can't help me."   
  
"What do you need help with?"   
  
"Well, I want to score with Tenel Ka, but I don't know how to do it. Can you give me some tips?"   
  
Luke pondered. "Well, I don't really have much experience. I've only ever kissed your mother, Gaeriel and Callista, and I didn't score with any of them."   
  
"Are you telling me you're a virgin?"   
  
"Yep. Unless you count jerking off as getting laid. I did that quite a bit when I used to have balls. It was hell when I trained with Yoda 'cause he kept an eye on me the whole time. I couldn't even think of jerking off. Ever since then, artoo and me have been closer than ever, if you know what I mean."   
  
"So that's why artoo's lightsaber holder is rusted out."   
  
"Hey Jacen, did you know that not only am I a Jedi master, I'm a Pokemon master as well!"   
"You're a bit of a loser, Uncle Luke."   
  
  
"OK, you caught me. Gotta catch 'em all!"   
  
Jacen rolled his eyes, just as Exar Kun burst through the door of the vid room.   
  
"Squirtle. I choose you!", Luke said as he threw a pokeball towards Kun.   
  
"Squirtle!", the pokemon said.   
  
Exar Kun walked menacingly up to Luke. "So Skywalker, we meet again."   
  
"Jesus, Exar Kunt, what are you doing here?"   
  
"I'm here to kill you," the Sith Lord snarled. "By the way, do you still believe in Jesus and that stupid Christian religion?"   
  
"Look, Kunt, the way I see it, Jesus is way cuter than that fat Buddha dude. If I pretend to believe in Jesus, I have an excuse to keep his sexy picture on my wall."   
  
"Listen Skywanker, you're so much of a loser that I'm going to fry you with my force lightning. Feel free to scream like a girl," he added evilly.   
  
"You bet I will! I didn't have my balls cut off for nothing!"   
  
Jacen ran forward to his uncle. "No Uncle Luke. Fight him!"   
  
Luke shrugged. "Might as well. Squirtle! Use your watergun attack now!"   
  
Squirtle spewed water onto Exar Kun, just as his unleashed his deadly force lightning attack. The water conducted the electricity and Squirtle and Kun got fried.   
  
Luke threw his pokeball. "Squirtle, return!"   
  
Jacen walked over to where Exar's charred corpse was lying. "Look Uncle! You killed Exar Kun. But didn't Jesus look down on killing?"   
  
"Oh no. Now I'll have to convert to Hinduism."   
  
"Hey Uncle, have you ever noticed how Kun's pants bulged? Maybe you can cut off his balls and attach them to you."   
  
The Jedi master looked appraisingly at his nephew. "I like your thinking Jacen! Quick, to the surgery! Maybe after the operation's over, the many arms of Vishnu will find a use after all."   
Luke winked to his nephew. "The more hands, the better."   
  
3 days later...   
  
"Use the force Luke, use the force Luke..."   
  
Luke woke up and stretched over to his bedside table. He yawned and slammed his hand down on his Obiwan alarm clock.   
  
"Thank Brahma, I thought that idiot alarm clock would never shut up."   
  
Suddenly, a voice rang out from a dark corner in Luke's room.   
  
"It's not your alarm clock, Luke. It's me, Obiwan!"   
  
"Obiwan, what are you doing here?"   
  
A glowing ghostly figure walked out of the shadows. Obiwan spoke again. "Luke, I have an important message for you."   
  
"Shit Obiwan, how do you expect me to trust you? You lied to me about Vader being my dad."   
"I can explain. I wanted to tell you the truth when you were old enough. You see, Vader actually lied to you. He's not your dad. I am."   
  
"What the - ! Obiwan! What do you mean!?"   
  
"Vader didn't know it, but I was screwing Amidala behind his back!"   
  
"You were a gigolo?", Luke asked, amazed.   
  
"Yep. And this is why I'm here. Now that you have new balls, you must become a gigolo too."   
  
"But Obiwan. They attached Exar's balls onto the wrong place. They replaced them with my tonsils and now I have tiny tonsil balls instead!"   
  
"Tiny balls never stopped me, Luke. Now go with your new mission in your heart."   
  
With that, Kenobi disappeared in a twinkly haze. Suddenly, Han walked into Luke's room.   
  
"Hi kid!"   
  
"Hi Han."   
  
"I heard you talking to someone."   
  
Obiwan appeared to me. He told me to be a gigolo!"   
  
"Cool, Luke. Now you can have something that resembles a sex life."   
  
"Han. Can you give me some advice?"   
  
"Sure kid. Just dress cool and stick a sock down your pants."   
  
Luke smiled. "Thanks Han."   
  
Han walked out, leaving Luke alone to think. "If Obiwan was a gigolo in the 70s, then I'll have to dress in 70s gear to get chicks."   
  
Luke searched his cupboards and finally dressed in a shiny, tight, V-neck shirt, white flairs, platform shoes, and a big, chunky gold medallion on a necklace.   
  
"Time for the final touches."   
  
Luke put a sock down his flairs and donned an afro wig. He looked in the mirror and sang:   
"All the girls say I'm pretty fly for a jedi!"   
  
A few days later...  
  
'Short, sandy-haired, average-lookin' guy seeks gorgeous counterpart who is willing to pay for a roll in the Bantha fodder. Mormons, drag queens and 'Grease' fans need not apply.'   
Luke finished typing his letter and e-mailed it to his favourite Internet site: www.jerkoffnolonger.com/desperate. Just then, Jaina, Luke's teenage niece, walked into the room.   
  
"Uncle", she said. "Why are you wearing a jockstrap on your head?"   
  
"Well, after my operation, the balls that got attached inside my throat mutated and moved to my forehead. I think they didn't like my breath, even though there's nothing wrong with banana juice!"   
  
Jaina opened the fridge and looked at the cups of yellow liquid on the bottom shelf. She shook her head disapprovingly.   
  
"That's not banana juice, that's the condensed Wookiee fart samples that I collected last week."   
  
Realisation dawned on the jedi master. "I thought it tasted a bit like manure. It reminds me of my days on Dagoba...But Yoda told me the brown lumps in the soup were croutons!"   
  
"Anyway Uncle, I came to ask your advice. I seem to be doing a lot of jedi training but I don't know how I can use the force in day to day life."   
  
"For me, Jaina, using the force has always meant that I don't have to get off my ass to get a beer can from the fridge. Watch this."   
  
Luke concentrated and the fridge door opened. A beer can rose from the top shelf. Just as Luke opened the can with his mind, a message blared from his computer.   
  
"You have mail", it said.   
  
Luke, amazed at having actually received any mail, lost his concentration and spilt the beer. Beer mixed with condensed farts on the bottom shelf and suddenly the air started to crackle with electricity. Luke ran to his computer and opened his e-mail.   
  
'Dear average lookin' guy. I am a gorgeous, voluptuous and free-loven' gal who can burp in Huttsese, Ubese and Correlian. Give me a call.'   
  
Luke shook his head. "Not thanks, I only accept gals who can burp in Bothan."   
  
"Uncle Luke! I think the beer and fart juice has combined to make a portal to a parallel dimension! Look!"   
  
Sure enough, an entrance to a parallel dimension was right in front of the fridge.   
  
"Holy Brahma! I knew I should've believed my horoscope when it said that Librans shouldn't mix Wookiee emissions with yeast products this week!"   
  
"Well Uncle. Aren't you going to walk through the portal?"   
  
"Wait a sec, Jaina."   
  
Luke walked into the adjacent room and returned 2 minutes later in his gigolo disco gear; the afro wig covered his phallic forehead perfectly. Luke ran into the portal, while yelling:   
"To virginity, and beyond!"   
  
On the other side of the portal, Luke got up and looked around. He was in an industrial area. There were dirty warehouses and factories spewing smoke all around him. He heard a laser shot and turned to see a black dude, 2 white dudes and a white chick, all shooting at a few ugly bald dudes not far away. Luke ran to the group of 4.   
  
"Hi fellow disco-dancen' citizens. What's happening?"   
  
"I'm Quinn, this is Colin, Remmy and Maggie," one of the white dudes said.   
  
"I'm Luke. What are you doing?"   
  
"Fighting Kromags."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Because they cut us off in a MacDonald's drive thru," Remmy said. "And then they forced us to buy quarter pounders because they bought all the Big Macs."   
  
"Ever since then," Colin continued, "We've bought every Big Mac we could get our hands on. And all 50 000 are stashed in this esky."   
  
"But now the Kromags are fighting us for it," Maggie said.   
  
"Hey Quinn," Remmy exclaimed. "We're all out of toothpaste!"   
  
"Damn you Kromags! You stole our Macs and our toothpaste!!"   
  
"Hey Quinn! We've won the 1st prize on the 'Different Dimension's Funniest Home Video Show'!   
I sent in a video of Arturo lighting his fart and they loved it!" Maggie said.   
  
"Damn you Kromags" Quinn yelled. "No, wait, that's good news! Now I'll have enough money to buy every Big Mac in the galaxy."   
  
"What happened to Arturo?" Luke asked.   
  
"He exploded when the lighted fart got sucked back into his ass."   
  
Just then, a short, sandy-haired, average lookin' guy wearing black walked up to the group.   
"And it is because of this principle that I've come to take your esky!" the man in black said.   
"Holy Squirtle Sunday!" Luke and the guy in black cried simultaneously. "It's me!"   
  
The disco - dancen' Luke feinted. The next thing he knew, he was tied up to a wall of the 2nd Death Star's throne room. The different dimension's Emperor was swinging around on his rotatable chair.   
  
"So Skywalker, I see you've finally awoken", he said as he twirled.   
  
"Eat scum Palpatine. Then Maybe your teeth will look a bit better."   
  
Palpatine was furious. "Nobody talks about my dentures that way! For that, me and my right-hand-man, E. Ville. Skywalker will harness the awesome power of the Big Mac esky!" he snarled while still swivelling.   
  
"E. Ville walked out of the shadows and spoke. "When the fumes from the decaying Macs is ignited, the explosion will have enough power to destroy an entire planet!"   
  
"Noooooooo!" Luke cried.   
  
"And the planet, my feeble jedi, will be chosen by you!" Palpatine said.   
  
Luke turned to E. Ville. Skywalker and noticed how much his pants bulged. "Pssst. E. Ville. Over here," he whispered. "How'd you get such big balls?"   
  
"Well, I got 5 plastic surgery enlargements. The chicks really dig it."   
  
"Oh. Did it cost much?"   
  
"Naa. Sith Lord health benefits covers it all."   
  
"Groovy. Is there a position vacant for another Sith Lord?"   
  
"Sorry. I want all the chicks to myself."   
  
This made Luke really mad. He flung his head forward and sent his afro wig flying. The wig hit the Big Mac esky, sending it soaring over the edge of the reactor core shaft. Luke then quickly flung his head to the side so that E. Ville, who was standing close to Luke, copped a blow with the huge balls attached to Luke's forehead. As E. Ville. was knocked unconscious, Luke kicked off his platform shoes so that they hit the now standing Emperor in the head and knocked him out too.   
  
Suddenly, a portal opened in front of Luke. Jaina came out of it and untied her uncle from the wall.   
  
"Uncle Luke, you defeated your evil double, knocked the rotatable chair-addicted Emperor senseless, and rid the galaxy of a deadly weapon all in one day!"   
  
"Jaina," Luke said, "Never underestimate the power of beer and fart juice, not to mention a good 70s getup and a botched balls transplant."   
  
A proud Jaina and a triumphant Luke went back to their home dimension.   
  
The End   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
